Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
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Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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