I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
