These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
