please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
