Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
