A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I wish they made helmets for livers.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
