tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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