If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides