apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things