Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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