I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i permit you to call me
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The air was thick with penises
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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