Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
