my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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