You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
