Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
