the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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