Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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