I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
