The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
