watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
