I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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