Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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