Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
