Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just had sex on a roof
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.