yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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