I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!