After last night, I could never be a politician.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
