So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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