I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
