we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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