guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
