Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
