Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
