i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
