is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
