My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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