how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
