I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
