i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
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I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
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The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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