Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
