Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
