I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
