I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im holly from the hills drunk
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
