It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
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He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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