Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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