I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I wish there were birth control emojis
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
