the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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