now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
