i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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