My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have surprise drugs for everyone
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
