when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
