There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
