Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
