My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I smell like Dick and happiness
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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