Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
