just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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