i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
so much tequila, so little girl.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
