thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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