Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
