When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.