i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We are all done wearing pants today
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.