sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
