If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room