wanna go halves on a baby?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."