the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
