Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
