you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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