Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
